Just smile. Behave, politely. A nod of the head. Of course and absolutely.
I could keep myself like this for hours. Happy energy flooding the space around me. Everyone loves it. Look at them, smiling back.
That’s what we need. The strange, false comfort that everything is alright. All your worries, those little life stressors, they are nothing compared to what you feel right now.
At least, that is what they keep telling themselves.
Each of those bobbing heads leaving the conference are held high, eyes pointed to the doors. The next hours are an exciting, blank space waiting to be filled with conversations about projected expectations and dreams.
I am just like them. In some ways. Polishing my exterior while burying who I really am. What I really feel.
That’s a better word for summing my day. What I think of my expectations and dreams.
And that is the word for describing what is perceivably been my entire adulthood. A constant pull into a shapeless darkness that shrouds all of my thoughts and tinges them with despair and angst.
I can’t seem to get away from it. I try to push it out, telling myself I’m better. But it always comes back. Stronger even, as if toys with my own weakness.
So, I let it remain.
And it grows. Consumes, really. But I don’t have anything left. Just an appearance that lies for me. It does a great job, like I said, everyone smiles back.
They don’t know what lies beneath the mask. They don’t need to. And, perhaps more to the truth, they don’t want to.
Those are the types of questions they never ask.
Don’t be afraid to ask the uncomfortable questions. If you (or someone you know) are depressed, know that there is always someone there to help.